Diary of a Scholar- Soooooo, Cleopatra Says I'm Sick Y'all

DISCLAIMER- I'm doing quite a bit of whining in this post. Just let me.  

That awkward moment when you realize it’s really real.  Yea, so classes started and there I was coasting along in my course reading and class discussion.  All of sudden I had deadlines; events at work and jargon laden discussion of dense texts on paradigms, epistemologies, and methodologies in each of my classes.  All this while I’m  STILL trying to overcome that surreal “am -I –really- here” feeling that I still can’t seem to shake.  My side-eye is perpetual. I want to go home. You’d think that given my most recent experience of working a full time job while going to graduate school, I'd find a sense of relief in "just" being a full time graduate student. <Insert Audible SCOFF here> I guess that's what I get for thinking... SMH!

To make matters worse, I can't watch tv anymore.  This may not be a big deal for some people but, I’ve always watched tv.  A fictional repreive from the harsh realities and responsibliites of adult life.  Yes, I'm a couch potato. Judge me freely.  But for past five days I’ve come home and either turned on my laptop and/or opened a book and worked until I passed out.  Not fallen asleep but passed out from the exhaustion a 6 hour shift at work followed by a 3 hour class.  Is this what my life is right now? Thank God for DVR.   And I can’t seem to keep up with my blog posts.  The GlamNERDS.com is my baby and it pains me that I’m not posting regularly.  I think I need an intern or something… I got to figure this out and I know y’all are too tired of all my excuses. I’m tired of them myself.  Your continued patience is appreciated, now back to our regularly scheduled bellyaching. 

I feel like I should have more time, more balance.  Yet I still feel like I’m hustling in reverse. Picture Rick Ross wheezing on a treadmll with his offensive physical form exposed.. yesss... it's that graphic and that depressing. *shudders** And listen...  I AM TIRED of all these feelings. Alllll these feelings that accost my conscious random times throughout the work week.  All the thoughts and feelings of being in this stranger ass program, in this stranger ass town, with these stranger ass people.  It’s different. It’s isolating. It’s nerve wrecking. It’s exciting.  It’s a blessing.  It's SUCH a blessing. It shouldn't be this hard.  Why is it? It’s really, just all too much. 

I'm inclined to believe that all of these feelings have made me physically sick! The sniffling and cold symptoms that I noticed earlier in the week were persisting as of Friday.  So I went to the doctor and Cleopatra the nurse practitioner told me that I had a temperature of 103 and the most “impressive case” of strep throat she’s seen in a long time..  Really girl?  I have papers and presentations due in EVERY class over the next two weeks. WHO HAS TIME FOR THIS? 

On the bright side of things, I'm really learning a lot.  I'm ever grateful, humbled and excited by all the blessings that this opportunity has brought to bear. I know the best is yet to come but on some days it's just HARD! On those days, I write my complaints, publish them here and proceed to getting the HELL over it. That being said, let me go ahead and wrap up these dramatics and get some work done. Talk to y’all soon. 

Keia

Diary of a Scholar- Proseminar/First Week of Classes Fall 2012

It's the first week of class and yesterday I went to Proseminar. A course designed for first year doctoral students that my entire cohort is required to take.  I'm thrilled and terrified at the same damn time. We begin with pleasantries, the who-you-are and where-you're-from song and dance performed by all professors and students on the first day of class. The discussion expands to include goals, aspirations and expectations for the course, the community and our esteemed professor. It's a good time. I don't remember exactly when anxiety whispered it's breathy panic into the ears of my subconscious but by the time the syllabi were distributed I had already turned to a blank page in my notebook and penned a quick prayer.

After we reviewed the course schedule and assignments I was just about wheezing while thinking to myself  "I wonder what it would take to get my old job back?" "Who told me I was smart enough to do this?" "Am I the only slacker in here doubting herself?" 

Turn to your neighbor and say "Rigor". Ish just got real.  I'm staring down the barrel of some INTENSE work and I wonder if I have what it takes.  I'm scared out my skull box but in the spirit of seeing the glass as half full, I have to say that if I have to do this now I wouldn't want to do it anywhere else.   My professors and my peers are brilliant and brown, just like me.  My advisor is well known, largely cited and frankly, a beast whose scholarship is respected throughout the field.  She and I  can discuss grounded theory, methodology, recipes and healthy hair care.  I feel like  I can be myself  with her.  I feel like she requires  that of me.  She respects me, my previous experiences and how they shape and frame my perspectives.  She endorses my ambition, acknowledges my potential and has expressed a genuine desire to learn and collaborate WITH me.  This is what the game's been missing.  I blink and find myself in the nurturing and empowering collegial community that I prayed for.  Look at God! It's not going to easy but I truly feel that it's going to be worth it. Look at me. 

So although my hands are shaking and every part of me wants to pack my sh*t and run back to Harlem. And even though my mind is racing as I navigate this new space, I'm open to this experience and all that it has to offer. I await every challenge, every victory, every struggle, and every triumph with anticipation and faith to believe that where God guides, He provides. I don't know what the hell I'm doing but I'm ready to do and learn and grow. And in that order. 

This wasn't the plan.  I never thought I'd have to travel all around the mulberry bush to get to this point but I've learned that after you pray for something, the how ain't really your business anymore.  We are just supposed to do what we can while we can.  That being said, I've got homework.  This made me feel better.  I'll check in next week. 

Happy First Week of Classes, 

Keia 

Diary of a Scholar Entry #18- Packin up and moving out! #TeamTERP

I know, I know I’ve been MIA for a while.  I haven’t posted in months but life has been changing and I’m just trying to keep up.  I can’t give any excuse for my absence.  Just know that I’m a person in process my damb self and I can be of no assistance or benefit to others if my life is in shambles.   I took some time to process the transitions of life and now I’m back to tell you all about them. 

First things first, HEY and many congratulations to students of every level for completing another academic year.  At this point, we should be close to finishing or completely finished with our coursework and looking forward to the next stage of our educational journeys.  I am elated to leave Teachers College, Columbia University behind with another graduate degree in HAND.  It’s been a super challenging journey but Mama I made it! \o/ A very special shoutout  to the Class of 2012. You did your thing. Woot! Woot!

In the last post I told you all that I bit the bullet and applied to funded PhD programs.  The whole working full time while going to school full time brought nothing but stress, strain and weight gain and I, most certainly, ain’t got no time fa dat!  (Word to Sweet Brown.). The application process was challenging but rewarding.  I fielded some great offers, participated in preview programs and finally came to a decision. On April 15^th I officially became a Terrapin. In the fall, I will join the College of Education  at the University of Maryland College Park as a student in the Higher Education Ph.d. Program.  Yep, your girl is a TERP! Who. Mad?!?  Lol.  No seriously, I am extraordinarily blessed that the Lord has opened yet another door.  I’m growing closer to realizing that D. r.  Period. Prefix.  He gets all the Glory.  He did this and I’m just glad to take the ride.

Photo Courtesy of http://retroprom.files.wordpress.com

So yea.. I’m packing up my little belongings and leaving my beloved apartment in Harlem. I love it here but studying at UMD is a once in a lifetime opportunity that I’d be a donkey to pass up.   At this point I’m still in the process of finding a place and finalizing my move.  Things are still a bit up in the air right now but I do know that I’ll be in Maryland permanently on July 1^st.  I start work on August 13^th and classes jump off soon after that.  I’d be a hot lie if I said I wasn’t in my nerves about this move but I have faith that all will work out.  Expect plenty of blogs documenting this journey.  I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.  I’ve never lived outside of New York and I have no earthly idea how to move your life from one state to the next but, I’m excited to learn along the way.  And don’t worry, I’ll be taking you  all  with me each and every uncertain step of the  way.  Over the next few weeks I will be posting our usual content with a healthy side of my colorful commentary.  Please be patient.  It may take me a while to get back in the rhythm of posting daily but you will hear from me more often than not.   I’ve missed you all and will be back to business as usual very very soon.   In the mean time, you can always find my random musings and expositions on Twitter @NothinButTreble. My timeline is a very interesting place.   Get you a piece!  I’m equal  parts credentials, coonery, and cosmopolitanise and always down for good conversation, so never hesitate to deposit your two cents.  

Diary of a Scholar #17 Spring 2012 Update: We're Doing BIG Things Children!!!

Hellllllooooooooo! I just wanted to come by to let you all know that I'm still here living, loving, luxuriating and things of that nature!  I know my posts have been far less frequent as of late but I've a got lot going on. I try my best not to make half assery a practice so please accept my apologies but my life is changing and for the better! Glory! :-) This is just a quick post to let you "wasssss hannin" and stuff.. 

First things first, I'm going back to school full time this Fall. *Kick Ball Changes into a Praise Dip* YAAS!  In the last Diary of a Scholar poss I shared that I'd decided to move on and pursue the Phd on a full time basis. Working full time and going to graduate school was WEARING me. My time and attention were being pulled in one million different directions with school, work, and all my GlamNERDIAN endeavors and my focus was dwindling to brink of defeat.  I needed to regroup, reassess my goals and make some adjustments in my life. In so doing I realized that I needed to be more strategic in chasing my dreams by making my own educational goals priority.  I applied to full time PhD programs and fellowships in the Fall,2011 and the offers are on the table. I will officially announce the program/university I'll be attending once I officially accept an offer of admission.  For now, just know that God does answer prayer and that there is no goal that is unattainable if you put all of your faith in HIM. I'm blessed beyond measure and truly grateful. 

I'm starting the next leg of this journey which is exciting because I'll be able to document every challenge and victory by sharing the process here on TheGlamNERDS.com.  I'm so ready... I mean, like all the way turned up about it... Let's get these credentials... WHO' Ridin?! lol 

Also, as you may or may not know TheGlamNERDS.com has expanded to include a host of consulting services. Over the last few months I've been blessed to travel the state and even the country, facilitating workshops on college/grad school application prep, navigating financial aid, academic personal branding/social networking, professional style and etiquette and much much more.  This weekend I'll be in Albany,NY conducting a workshop at the New York State Science and Technology Entry Program's Annual Statewide Conference.  There I will have the pleasure of engaging with over 600 minority middle and high school students with interest in pursuing careers in the sciences, technology, engineering and math from across the state of New York.  I'll also be serving as judge for the Poster Competition.  I was member of this program as a middle/high school student, so to attend the conference now and serve in these capacitices is like surreal full circle moment. \ o / , Thank you big God! ;-) LOL.  I hope to have footage of the conference to share here on the website so please check back for more. And as always follow me on Twitter to be notified of upcoming blog posts as well as my random musings, reactions and pontifications. 

Until Next Time, Always Remain in Constant Pursuit of All Thing Fabulous!

Love Keia

Diary of A Scholar in Training - Personal Blog #16- Sometimes plans just change..

Y’all know I always come through here and tell the trewf! I try my best to keep it funky about the ups and down , ins and outs of this PhD chase. These streets can get cold. Sometimes things don’t work out like you think they will and you have to take a step back and regroup.  Last semester, I found myself in this place and I was embarrassed.  Here I am on my virtual soap box allegedly helping students navigate college and graduate school and my own academic life was in shambles.  I’m finally comfortable enough to tell the story.  Like to hear it? Here it go.

Ok so I got rejected.  AIn’t no cute way to say it.  The doctoral program here at TC told me they would not be able to offer me admission after completing my first 60 credits .  So I could get this good Ed.M but if I wanted a doctorate I’d have to get it elsewhere.  The structure of the department was changing and as a result some of us were not going to be permitted to continue on, plain and simple.  Needless to say, I was devastated.  My feelings were hurt and my face had been handed to me.  I’ve been disappointed before; rejected, dumped , ignored in other areas of my slife but school has always been what I have gotten right. I’ve never had any major hiccups or bumps in the road when it came to  my education.  To be flat out rejected was something I couldn’t fathom. But after some tears, a bit of pouting and a few trips to Popeyes .. I prayed about it and God started showing off.  Long story short, I started hearing from classmates, colleagues, mentors and friends. All of them encouraged me,  lifted me up  and told me that no matter how I felt I, God is in control.  He makes no mistakes.  I then considered the possibility that this rejection didn’t have shoot all of my dreams to hell.   It could very well be protecting me from years of distress.  There are other schools, other programs, other opportunities, and being Columbia saying no could very well be setting the stage for a bigger and better YES.   This just means that God has something better for the kid. 

So this summer I made it my business to start afresh! I took the summer to research other programs and make some  serious moves toward realizing my dream.  Delayed but not denied, right?  I took the time to really think about my goals and what would be required of me to realize them. I stepped out my box and decided to take some risks and here I am ready to make some changes.  I’ve decided to take this as an opportunity to pursue a full time funded PhD program and just bang it out.  Being a full time administrator and part time graduate student has been fun but I. AM. TIRED.  I’ve learned that when you push too hard you risk burn out and who has time for that.  A sacrifice needs to be made.    I figure if I forego 2-4 years of professional experience and just get the degree now I’ll be better positioned to excel in the long run.  I’ve got the experience, now I need the credentials to ultimately make the moves that need to be made.  The black bottom line is, you’ve got to be in the game to change the game and the letters behind your name make all the difference.  That’s just the way it is.  And it’s not like I have a husband and some children to hem me up in responsibility.  So lets go  y’all. Lol

So  now I’m studying for the GRE,( which I have to retake in a couple weeks PLEASE PRAY MY STRENGTH) and applying to PhD programs here, there and everywhere.  This explains the lull in blog postings as of late. I beg your pardon but I promise if you just continue to be patient with the kid , we’ll be back on schedule within the next month or so.  I’ll keep you all posted of my progress.  I’m excited. I know great thing a come! Take this ride with me, there really is no telling where we’ll end up.  J

To wrap it up, the moral of the story is sometimes the plans you make can be changed by things that are beyond your control.  If/when this happens it’s important to remember that  you can’t fall apart.  You just regroup and get busy finding the next best route to your dreams, ya dig?.  I’ve always asked God to guide my feet and He always has.  I have to learn to trust HIM even when he changes my plans.  The fact of the matter is His plans are always better than mine anyway. I’ve been seeking his guidance through this whole process and quite frankly I’m excited.    Can’t stop won’t stop. Keep it here for future developments. I’ll always keep you posted.  Thanks for you patience and all of your support.