DISCLAIMER- I'm doing quite a bit of whining in this post. Just let me.
That awkward moment when you realize it’s really real. Yea, so classes started and there I was coasting along in my course reading and class discussion. All of sudden I had deadlines; events at work and jargon laden discussion of dense texts on paradigms, epistemologies, and methodologies in each of my classes. All this while I’m STILL trying to overcome that surreal “am -I –really- here” feeling that I still can’t seem to shake. My side-eye is perpetual. I want to go home. You’d think that given my most recent experience of working a full time job while going to graduate school, I'd find a sense of relief in "just" being a full time graduate student. <Insert Audible SCOFF here> I guess that's what I get for thinking... SMH!
To make matters worse, I can't watch tv anymore. This may not be a big deal for some people but, I’ve always watched tv. A fictional repreive from the harsh realities and responsibliites of adult life. Yes, I'm a couch potato. Judge me freely. But for past five days I’ve come home and either turned on my laptop and/or opened a book and worked until I passed out. Not fallen asleep but passed out from the exhaustion a 6 hour shift at work followed by a 3 hour class. Is this what my life is right now? Thank God for DVR. And I can’t seem to keep up with my blog posts. The GlamNERDS.com is my baby and it pains me that I’m not posting regularly. I think I need an intern or something… I got to figure this out and I know y’all are too tired of all my excuses. I’m tired of them myself. Your continued patience is appreciated, now back to our regularly scheduled bellyaching.
I feel like I should have more time, more balance. Yet I still feel like I’m hustling in reverse. Picture Rick Ross wheezing on a treadmll with his offensive physical form exposed.. yesss... it's that graphic and that depressing. *shudders** And listen... I AM TIRED of all these feelings. Alllll these feelings that accost my conscious random times throughout the work week. All the thoughts and feelings of being in this stranger ass program, in this stranger ass town, with these stranger ass people. It’s different. It’s isolating. It’s nerve wrecking. It’s exciting. It’s a blessing. It's SUCH a blessing. It shouldn't be this hard. Why is it? It’s really, just all too much.
I'm inclined to believe that all of these feelings have made me physically sick! The sniffling and cold symptoms that I noticed earlier in the week were persisting as of Friday. So I went to the doctor and Cleopatra the nurse practitioner told me that I had a temperature of 103 and the most “impressive case” of strep throat she’s seen in a long time.. Really girl? I have papers and presentations due in EVERY class over the next two weeks. WHO HAS TIME FOR THIS?
On the bright side of things, I'm really learning a lot. I'm ever grateful, humbled and excited by all the blessings that this opportunity has brought to bear. I know the best is yet to come but on some days it's just HARD! On those days, I write my complaints, publish them here and proceed to getting the HELL over it. That being said, let me go ahead and wrap up these dramatics and get some work done. Talk to y’all soon.