Diary of a Scholar- Ummm Get From Round Me #pleaseandthx Personal Blog #7

Class was really wack last night.  Not because of the subject matter, the professor or anything like it.  It was the class activity.  We were assigned to work in groups of four.  I understand that this is the age of collaboration, and teamwork makes dream work and all that jibba jabba but more often than not working in groups really drainnnnnnnnsssssssss ME! I've just go to get this out.  So I do beg your pardon.  I'm not intentionally trying to offend or come off as a snob but I'm the type of student that just likes to get a task done.  Sometimes discussion and all the hemming and hawing of working in small groups really really really and truly gets on my very last nerve. 

I've had some terrible group experiences.. I've been hung out to dry and left to do the bulk of the work myself. I've been bored to tears and I've even been bossed around. *clutches pearls* Additionally, I got a lot going on and group work usually requires additional out of class meetings and correspondence that further complicate my life. In other words I'd much prefer to be missed by the whole enterprise.  I don't want to play.   I understand that collaboration and interdisciplinarity are major tenets of academic life so this is not something that I'll be able to escape/avoid. I understand that ultimately I'll have to get over myself.  But right now I'd rather just complain.   Alas another area requiring extensive growth and development.  I'm a scholar in process try your best not to judge.   I do understand that it's not always this bad.  I have had some positive group work experiences in my academic and professional life but yesterday's group had my jaws super tight.  Have you ever been sitting in a place around some people and all you wanted to do was scream "GET FROM ROUND ME!"from the very depths of your soul??? Yea.. that's where I was yesterday.  *shrugs*

Maybe it was just  a particular group member, or maybe it was just me.  Either way my attitude was horrible and I really need to work on that.  It'd been a super long day, I didn't really understand the assignment and one of my group members irked me till no end. You know the kinda of irk that gets your back teeth grinding.. Yea.. there!  And what's really weird about ole girl is that she just "loves" me. Always speaking and starting up conversation. She comes to class late and sits near me every session. Even if there are no other available seats  Yesterday she made herself a seat.   Pulled her bad roots and cowboy boots right up to the front of my desk and made a spot!! GIRL, MOVE!!!  I'm so sincere.  The desks were arranged in a circle and she's the only somebody that elected to sit INSIDE.  Ummmmm ma'am, GET FROM ROUND ME!  Maybe it WAS just her. Or just me, she was just being herself and frankly she has that right.  It is very possible that I drain another one of my classmates just as HARD as she drains me. Ah well...

Anyway, the moral of the story is I like to get it done and get it done quickly.  And groups tend to the make projects and assignments a lot longer and more complicated than they need to be.  Hopefully I'll learn to embrace the process and reap the benefits of working collaboratively with my classmates and colleagues.  *insert eye roll here* Again I thank you for reading yet another one of my tantrums.  

Diary of A Scholar in Training - Personal Blog #6

My Professor is Brilliant and I'm intimidated. 

I had a tough time deciding whether or not to write this blog.  I mean this IS the World Wide Web, thereby making just about anybody privy to my inner most thoughts and feelings.  But, what the heck; we’re all family.  Here goes. Sooooooooooo my professor is, wait, come close, absolutely EVERYTHING!!   Dear Jesus, I pray right now that he should never so happen to come across this confession. Thanks in advance, Amen.

But yea, he’s kinda sorta like one of my favorite people and it’s only the second class meeting.  :-/  He’s most possibly one of the smartest people I’ve ever come to know.  Intelligent but not the super pretentious “I-am-PhD –so-I’ll –recite-my- CV”  type.  When he speaks I get the feeling that his perspectives are equal parts education and lived experience. His conversation is stimulating and his scholarship provocative and all the more potent in light of his broad appeal.  In class he discusses the works of Bordieu, and Descartes as well as the style and brand of emcees like M-1 and Talib Kweli. His range of reference is out of this world and he manages to remain accurate and completely relevant to whomever he's speaking to.  Pardon, my gush filled swoon. He’s the type of scholar that I aspire to be.  He’s current but still very much a traditional academic. This is a character trait that makes him credible with just about any audience.  Now that's influence.  He’s not just a thinker but an activist and motivator and did I mention that he's COOL AS HELL.   Quite honestly all of the above has got me... alllllllllllllll the waaaaaaaay turnnnnned upppp.  Try your best not to judge my Soulja Boy reference or impending Dougie.  I'm a work in progress.  :-) 

You’d think  I’d maximize on this privilege and would actively engage in class discussion, right?  You know, pick his brain and learn his wonderful ways.  Ummmm,  No. Ma’am.  I sat in silence for the entire hour and a half; Intimidated and looking (as opposed to sounding) stupid.  Scared to open my mouth for fear of sounding as dumb as I felt.  My ideas seemed so basic and my perspectives so short sighted. Can I even read? Yesterday I caught myself questioning whether or not I should’ve even been there.  Am I smart enough? Could  this level of thought and interpretation be above my head and beyond my reach?  While part of me wants to answer these questions in the affirmative the other part wants to tell myself to get somewhere and sit down!  I know I need to get a grip.  I’m not sure what this fear and anxiety is all about but this just might be the opportunity for me to get out of my box and stretch myself into being the thinker worthy of sitting across the table from this brilliant brown man.  He’s beautiful too. Did I mention that?  He's a little shorter than what I usually find attractive but what he lacks in torso length he makes up for by being uber smart and not at all corny. That's  a tall task in and of itself.  What a refreshing departure from my usual attraction to dope boys (with home training) and social derelicts! This man seems to be genuinely good people and I think my anxiety is largely rooted in the substantial amount of respect that I have for that.  It's not even really a physical thing, I'm not at all drawing hearts around our first names or turning on the flirt.  I don't think it'll ever get there.  I'm just ready to learn from him.  And super excited because this is the brand of Black man that I've been missing.  

Dear Keia,  Stay focused. This is your chance to play ball with the big kids.  Oh see, now he's got me talking to myself.  It’s apparently much worst than I thought.

My professor is brilliant and I really want to be.  Hopefully I can get over myself soon so that one day somebody, somewhere will say the same in reference to me.   A forward thinking, ridiculously fabulous (and fly), cool-as-hell- brilliant mind of the (very near) future.  I see that.   * Fingers crossed and reading glasses ready* Here goes.

Love

Keia

 Anybody ever been in this boat... leave a comment and let me know I'm not alone.  

I do this for my culture

I received an email and instead of responding to my reader directly, I decided to answer in a blog post.  I figured some others could be wondering. Again, this is what I call blog vomit. Where I just open up a word document and just spew my thoughts and feelings. Get into this and as always any feedback/responses/ commentary are welcome. 

He writes,  “It’s a shame more people don’t read your posts. Why I didn’t you  just pursue a makeup or a gossip blog.  That’s what the people want, and that’s where the money is.”  It’s true; these websites are way more popular than mine may ever be.  From a fiscal standpoint, the likelihood of major businesses & retailers vying for advertising space on my site could be minimal.   So I may never make any real money or appear on Vh1 for colorful social commentary. But, I wanted to do something different.  I’ll spare you on the rest of my “I’m an individual, hear me roar” speech but long story short, I do this for my culture. 

 Countless statistics speak to the sad state of affairs when it comes to the education of people of color.  We’ve heard it all before. Ray –Ray dropped out of school in 10^th grade and sold drugs to pay the rent.  Or ole girl came home from college early because she got pregnant and never completed her degree.   There are even those who come from solid family lives and adequate academic resources but get distracted by the short-lived success of 106 & Park and Ray J and Kim K’s sex tape and lose interest in pursuing an education.  I’m tired of it.  I blog about what I blog about to prove to myself (and anyone who cares  to type my url) that  there are still working and aspiring scholars, entrepreneurs, accountants, doctors, lawyers, educators, etc that are out here doing it for themselves.  Despite the foolishness that was College Hill, we (my Black and Brown colleagues & I) have the home training, discipline, ability and motivation to follow our dreams.  And we don’t have to diddy bop, pop, lock & drop it, copulate for public audiences or expose the contact information of our celebrity conquests in order to achieve social relevance.  I want this to be a platform; an example, a forum for all those who still aspire for and attain greatness the traditional way. You know, via the acquisition of skills, work ethic, ambition and perseverance.    

I want to share information that will not only support others but qualify the journey when those thoughts of “WTF am I doing this for?” are ever present.  Understand, I acknowledge these feelings and can really relate to them.   I mean The Situation makes $60,000 an episode, the Kardashian’s are famous with no apparent skills/talents, and Kat Stacks was named one of the most powerful Black Women on Twitter.  Meanwhile back at the ranch, the student loan corporation rapes me on a monthly basis.  It’s easy to question, where in life I made a wrong turn.    I will admit that there are times I daydream of just how different my life could’ve been if I’da let some professional athlete knock me up.  My blog is not just a gossip blog but I know that I can’t be the only one.  So if you’re anything like me,  and  have entertained the possibility of the The Basketball Wives’ grass being greener, I am here for you. 

The more I learn as a professional and aspiring scholar, my desire for others to acknowledge and respect the necessity and worth of an education grows.  I say this in reference especially to those who look like me.  I welcome your sneers and accusations of ethnocentrism.  I told you, I do this for MY culture.   Kids and teens are bombarded with watered down oversexed exaggerated non-realistic reality TV.  The things the news media deems news worthy are evidence of a devastating re-arrangement or total  evaporation of societal value systems.   In other words, ain’t nobody talking about nothing, no more, I mean like EVER!  It’s always about who’s wearing this, going there, sleeping with whom and all to the tune of songs like All the Way Turned Up. I’m over it.

I guess you could say, that this little inch of the World Wide Web is my personal quest to encourage and support students and aspiring students to better themselves.   As television, magazines, websites, and blogs alike encourage and sensationalize the lavish benefits success.  I’m here to let students know that we have options.  It is about what you know.  So, for the love of God and all things fabulous, try your damndest to know all you can.   It ain’t easy. The road to prosperity is paved with several challenges, bad days, injustices, and sucky moments but you gotta keep it pushin and, at some point, it will all be worth it.   And yes, if it sounds as if I’m trying to convince myself, I am.  Don’t judge me; just leave a comment.  I hope I answered your question. 

I think I'm Sleepy.....

It’s another day that I’m compelled to write.  For no particular reason; just because re-reading my thoughts on my laptop screen makes me feel deep.  Today I came home, went to my room and laid across my bed.  Immediately.   I need rest, but not just the kind you get under the covers.  I’m talking about the kind when your mind just finds somewhere to SAT down.   I need an Iyanla moment, a slumber party at the Starting Over House.  To wake up on the one day when my soul just opens up.  Was I the only one that watched that show?  I’m inconsolable, suffering from this weird insatiability.  Quick, somebody spoon me.  

I want my phone to ring but when it does I don’t feel like talking.  I answer but “How you doing?” becomes the hardest question I’ve had to answer all day. God is good, so complaining is disrespectful.  Right?  I mean I’m blessed to be able to come home from a job at all, so to say anything other than “I’m good” would be bratty.   But, to tell the truth (as a Christian ought) I don’t feel my best.  I really want to laugh; like the kind of laugh where you’re crying, clapping and kegeling to keep from peeing on yourself.  A new pair of shoes, a 100 calorie three piece from Popeyes and a hug from Pooch Hall would be really nice as well. But ain’t nobody ask me for all that, so  I just say  “I’m ok”.

WTF is wrong with me?  This is super depressing.  Jesus be the tickle monster.  Maybe I’m tired.  The thought of a good 10-12 hours of super sound sleep almost prompts salivation.  Downstairs, Mommy is singin along to her Mp3 player. Watching her dance around the kitchen further confirms that I’m slowly but surely turning into her. How horrifying? If I were wearing pearls I’d clutch them.  I definitely just told a joke and made myself laugh. Does that make me schizophrenic?  Or just lonely?  I won't post this blog. I’m certain my readers will have the police and my Pastor bangin on my door within minutes.  I swear guys I’m not suicidal. I’m not depressed, just a little bored and in need of a good canoodling.

 Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep.  I pray for peace, I pray for sweets. I pray for new shoes to put on my feet. I pray for hugs and kisses too and yes Lord that means I pray for a new boo.  I pray that  I’ll have fun this weekend.  I pray for enemies and I pray for my friends. I pray, In Jesus’ name. Amen

Did I really just do that? #SOpathetic (but completely sincere).  I think I'm sleepy. Please, try your best not to judge me.  I promise that all of these random writings won’t center around dating and relationships.  I promise you this is not all that I think about.  Finally, I promise, I’m finished.

This made me feel better… Good Night! 

I just have one question....

I just wanna know,...... THE HELL HAPPENED TO BECAUSE I SAID SO?!?

Those of you who follow my tweets and my YT channel you know that I chaperoned a college tour this week.  Myself and some colleagues took about 50 or so under privileged minority teens on a trip to visit some really nice schools in the New England are.  Before I could fill my blog with anything college readiness related, I needed to just plain vent.  This has been THE WORST college tour I’ve ever been associated with.  Unfortunately a few ungrateful, pseudo entitled, over accessorized, unlearned, unexposed, detention bound summer school rejects (pictured above) ruined the experience for us all. 

BABBBYY…it’s been everything from fistfights and vajayjay fingering, to shop lifting and Coco-Rumba in Coke Cans.  But what’s really got me is that these lil expletives have no concept of the accountability, or remorse. You can’t threaten them.  And upon reprimanding they want to argue you down and tell you how they feel.  Ms. Hunny.. we just left the security office where you missed a shoplifting charge by the skin of your teeth.  The part of story where I ‘m concerned with your feelings died when you elected to fill your bags with merchandise that you DID NOT PAY FOR.  #okbye  I can yell at you.  I’m entitled to be angry.. I’m embarrassed, as you should be.  You had me sitting outside security looking like “OJ DID IT” and I’m supposed to spare your feelings.?!? Are you off your biscuit?!  I heard you and your “I’m a kid and kid’s make mistakes.”  Miss me with all that there! Is this real life?  Ummm , kids commit crimes and go to prisons too.   So if you feel attacked right now.. you should!!!  I’m doing my job.  I’m here because I care for you and right now I’m responsible for you and for making you understand that if you feel like sh*t warmed up right now, you should. 

I’m not a parent so I’m not judging or acting as if I know it all. I know I have a lot more living to do and I understand I have much to learn.  But how and when did we start allowing kids to believe they don’t have to answer anyone.   I mean we all have been kids and I know personally that I’ve done more than my fair share of talking back.   I’ve snuck around and did my thing but at the very least I was scared of getting caught.   These kids?!?!  Chyle please, not only do they boldly and directly defy you in your face but then they have the NERVE to make excuses and attempt to negotiate and talk you out of the consequences.   You did something wrong, you pay the consequences.  You don’t think it’s fair? That’s cool but, guess what? Not only does that not matter,I do not CARE.  I’m not concerned with your rationale, nor do I feel obligated to explain myself to you.  You will do what I say, because I said so and that is it. Or at least it used to be.  Somewhere in the last ten years, that seems to have all changed. 

Real life happens regardless of how I think and feel.  Is it fair police officers pick and choose who to pull over and ticket? Is it fair that I don’t know where my daddy is? Is it fair that I get to work on time but miss my 9am conference call because of a fire drill in my building? NO but all of these real life issues bring about real life consequences that I have to deal with completely regardless of how they make me feel.  But these kids are entitled to explanations.  They have to know and understand each and everything and if they are uncomfortable are entitled to say and do whatever they want.  I just want to know what happened in the last ten years that brought us here.  Seriously.. anybody with any insight.. please do respond.  How can we fix this or all we just doomed to chaos of life according to everybody’s feelings? 

Whewww…. I feel better..

Thanks so much..

Tykeia

aka 

TheGlamNERD