That awkward moment when you realize it’s really real.  Yea, so classes started and there I was coasting along in my course reading and class discussion.  All of sudden I had deadlines; events at work and jargon laden discussion of dense texts on paradigms, epistemologies, and methodologies in each of my classes.  All this while I’m  STILL trying to overcome that surreal “am -I –really- here” feeling that I still can’t seem to shake.  My side-eye is perpetual. I want to go home. You’d think that given my most recent experience of working a full time job while going to graduate school, I'd find a sense of relief in "just" being a full time graduate student. <Insert Audible SCOFF here> I guess that's what I get for thinking... SMH!

To make matters worse, I can't watch tv anymore.  This may not be a big deal for some people but, I’ve always watched tv.  A fictional repreive from the harsh realities and responsibliites of adult life.  Yes, I'm a couch potato. Judge me freely.  But for past five days I’ve come home and either turned on my laptop and/or opened a book and worked until I passed out.  Not fallen asleep but passed out from the exhaustion a 6 hour shift at work followed by a 3 hour class.  Is this what my life is right now? Thank God for DVR.   And I can’t seem to keep up with my blog posts.  The GlamNERDS.com is my baby and it pains me that I’m not posting regularly.  I think I need an intern or something… I got to figure this out and I know y’all are too tired of all my excuses. I’m tired of them myself.  Your continued patience is appreciated, now back to our regularly scheduled bellyaching. 

I feel like I should have more time, more balance.  Yet I still feel like I’m hustling in reverse. Picture Rick Ross wheezing on a treadmll with his offensive physical form exposed.. yesss... it's that graphic and that depressing. *shudders** And listen...  I AM TIRED of all these feelings. Alllll these feelings that accost my conscious random times throughout the work week.  All the thoughts and feelings of being in this stranger ass program, in this stranger ass town, with these stranger ass people.  It’s different. It’s isolating. It’s nerve wrecking. It’s exciting.  It’s a blessing.  It's SUCH a blessing. It shouldn't be this hard.  Why is it? It’s really, just all too much. 

I'm inclined to believe that all of these feelings have made me physically sick! The sniffling and cold symptoms that I noticed earlier in the week were persisting as of Friday.  So I went to the doctor and Cleopatra the nurse practitioner told me that I had a temperature of 103 and the most “impressive case” of strep throat she’s seen in a long time..  Really girl?  I have papers and presentations due in EVERY class over the next two weeks. WHO HAS TIME FOR THIS? 

On the bright side of things, I'm really learning a lot.  I'm ever grateful, humbled and excited by all the blessings that this opportunity has brought to bear. I know the best is yet to come but on some days it's just HARD! On those days, I write my complaints, publish them here and proceed to getting the HELL over it. That being said, let me go ahead and wrap up these dramatics and get some work done. Talk to y’all soon. 

Keia

After we reviewed the course schedule and assignments I was just about wheezing while thinking to myself  "I wonder what it would take to get my old job back?" "Who told me I was smart enough to do this?" "Am I the only slacker in here doubting herself?" 

Turn to your neighbor and say "Rigor". Ish just got real.  I'm staring down the barrel of some INTENSE work and I wonder if I have what it takes.  I'm scared out my skull box but in the spirit of seeing the glass as half full, I have to say that if I have to do this now I wouldn't want to do it anywhere else.   My professors and my peers are brilliant and brown, just like me.  My advisor is well known, largely cited and frankly, a beast whose scholarship is respected throughout the field.  She and I  can discuss grounded theory, methodology, recipes and healthy hair care.  I feel like  I can be myself  with her.  I feel like she requires  that of me.  She respects me, my previous experiences and how they shape and frame my perspectives.  She endorses my ambition, acknowledges my potential and has expressed a genuine desire to learn and collaborate WITH me.  This is what the game's been missing.  I blink and find myself in the nurturing and empowering collegial community that I prayed for.  Look at God! It's not going to easy but I truly feel that it's going to be worth it. Look at me. 

So although my hands are shaking and every part of me wants to pack my sh*t and run back to Harlem. And even though my mind is racing as I navigate this new space, I'm open to this experience and all that it has to offer. I await every challenge, every victory, every struggle, and every triumph with anticipation and faith to believe that where God guides, He provides. I don't know what the hell I'm doing but I'm ready to do and learn and grow. And in that order. 

This wasn't the plan.  I never thought I'd have to travel all around the mulberry bush to get to this point but I've learned that after you pray for something, the how ain't really your business anymore.  We are just supposed to do what we can while we can.  That being said, I've got homework.  This made me feel better.  I'll check in next week. 

Happy First Week of Classes, 

Keia 

First things first, HEY and many congratulations to students of every level for completing another academic year.  At this point, we should be close to finishing or completely finished with our coursework and looking forward to the next stage of our educational journeys.  I am elated to leave Teachers College, Columbia University behind with another graduate degree in HAND.  It’s been a super challenging journey but Mama I made it! \o/ A very special shoutout  to the Class of 2012. You did your thing. Woot! Woot!

In the last post I told you all that I bit the bullet and applied to funded PhD programs.  The whole working full time while going to school full time brought nothing but stress, strain and weight gain and I, most certainly, ain’t got no time fa dat!  (Word to Sweet Brown.). The application process was challenging but rewarding.  I fielded some great offers, participated in preview programs and finally came to a decision. On April 15^th I officially became a Terrapin. In the fall, I will join the College of Education  at the University of Maryland College Park as a student in the Higher Education Ph.d. Program.  Yep, your girl is a TERP! Who. Mad?!?  Lol.  No seriously, I am extraordinarily blessed that the Lord has opened yet another door.  I’m growing closer to realizing that D. r.  Period. Prefix.  He gets all the Glory.  He did this and I’m just glad to take the ride.

Photo Courtesy of http://retroprom.files.wordpress.com

So yea.. I’m packing up my little belongings and leaving my beloved apartment in Harlem. I love it here but studying at UMD is a once in a lifetime opportunity that I’d be a donkey to pass up.   At this point I’m still in the process of finding a place and finalizing my move.  Things are still a bit up in the air right now but I do know that I’ll be in Maryland permanently on July 1^st.  I start work on August 13^th and classes jump off soon after that.  I’d be a hot lie if I said I wasn’t in my nerves about this move but I have faith that all will work out.  Expect plenty of blogs documenting this journey.  I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.  I’ve never lived outside of New York and I have no earthly idea how to move your life from one state to the next but, I’m excited to learn along the way.  And don’t worry, I’ll be taking you  all  with me each and every uncertain step of the  way.  Over the next few weeks I will be posting our usual content with a healthy side of my colorful commentary.  Please be patient.  It may take me a while to get back in the rhythm of posting daily but you will hear from me more often than not.   I’ve missed you all and will be back to business as usual very very soon.   In the mean time, you can always find my random musings and expositions on Twitter @NothinButTreble. My timeline is a very interesting place.   Get you a piece!  I’m equal  parts credentials, coonery, and cosmopolitanise and always down for good conversation, so never hesitate to deposit your two cents.  

Hellllllooooooooo! I just wanted to come by to let you all know that I'm still here living, loving, luxuriating and things of that nature!  I know my posts have been far less frequent as of late but I've a got lot going on. I try my best not to make half assery a practice so please accept my apologies but my life is changing and for the better! Glory! :-) This is just a quick post to let you "wasssss hannin" and stuff.. 

First things first, I'm going back to school full time this Fall. *Kick Ball Changes into a Praise Dip* YAAS!  In the last Diary of a Scholar poss I shared that I'd decided to move on and pursue the Phd on a full time basis. Working full time and going to graduate school was WEARING me. My time and attention were being pulled in one million different directions with school, work, and all my GlamNERDIAN endeavors and my focus was dwindling to brink of defeat.  I needed to regroup, reassess my goals and make some adjustments in my life. In so doing I realized that I needed to be more strategic in chasing my dreams by making my own educational goals priority.  I applied to full time PhD programs and fellowships in the Fall,2011 and the offers are on the table. I will officially announce the program/university I'll be attending once I officially accept an offer of admission.  For now, just know that God does answer prayer and that there is no goal that is unattainable if you put all of your faith in HIM. I'm blessed beyond measure and truly grateful. 

I'm starting the next leg of this journey which is exciting because I'll be able to document every challenge and victory by sharing the process here on TheGlamNERDS.com.  I'm so ready... I mean, like all the way turned up about it... Let's get these credentials... WHO' Ridin?! lol 

Also, as you may or may not know TheGlamNERDS.com has expanded to include a host of consulting services. Over the last few months I've been blessed to travel the state and even the country, facilitating workshops on college/grad school application prep, navigating financial aid, academic personal branding/social networking, professional style and etiquette and much much more.  This weekend I'll be in Albany,NY conducting a workshop at the New York State Science and Technology Entry Program's Annual Statewide Conference.  There I will have the pleasure of engaging with over 600 minority middle and high school students with interest in pursuing careers in the sciences, technology, engineering and math from across the state of New York.  I'll also be serving as judge for the Poster Competition.  I was member of this program as a middle/high school student, so to attend the conference now and serve in these capacitices is like surreal full circle moment. \ o / , Thank you big God! ;-) LOL.  I hope to have footage of the conference to share here on the website so please check back for more. And as always follow me on Twitter to be notified of upcoming blog posts as well as my random musings, reactions and pontifications. 

Until Next Time, Always Remain in Constant Pursuit of All Thing Fabulous!

Love Keia

Ok so I got rejected.  AIn’t no cute way to say it.  The doctoral program here at TC told me they would not be able to offer me admission after completing my first 60 credits .  So I could get this good Ed.M but if I wanted a doctorate I’d have to get it elsewhere.  The structure of the department was changing and as a result some of us were not going to be permitted to continue on, plain and simple.  Needless to say, I was devastated.  My feelings were hurt and my face had been handed to me.  I’ve been disappointed before; rejected, dumped , ignored in other areas of my slife but school has always been what I have gotten right. I’ve never had any major hiccups or bumps in the road when it came to  my education.  To be flat out rejected was something I couldn’t fathom. But after some tears, a bit of pouting and a few trips to Popeyes .. I prayed about it and God started showing off.  Long story short, I started hearing from classmates, colleagues, mentors and friends. All of them encouraged me,  lifted me up  and told me that no matter how I felt I, God is in control.  He makes no mistakes.  I then considered the possibility that this rejection didn’t have shoot all of my dreams to hell.   It could very well be protecting me from years of distress.  There are other schools, other programs, other opportunities, and being Columbia saying no could very well be setting the stage for a bigger and better YES.   This just means that God has something better for the kid. 

So this summer I made it my business to start afresh! I took the summer to research other programs and make some  serious moves toward realizing my dream.  Delayed but not denied, right?  I took the time to really think about my goals and what would be required of me to realize them. I stepped out my box and decided to take some risks and here I am ready to make some changes.  I’ve decided to take this as an opportunity to pursue a full time funded PhD program and just bang it out.  Being a full time administrator and part time graduate student has been fun but I. AM. TIRED.  I’ve learned that when you push too hard you risk burn out and who has time for that.  A sacrifice needs to be made.    I figure if I forego 2-4 years of professional experience and just get the degree now I’ll be better positioned to excel in the long run.  I’ve got the experience, now I need the credentials to ultimately make the moves that need to be made.  The black bottom line is, you’ve got to be in the game to change the game and the letters behind your name make all the difference.  That’s just the way it is.  And it’s not like I have a husband and some children to hem me up in responsibility.  So lets go  y’all. Lol

So  now I’m studying for the GRE,( which I have to retake in a couple weeks PLEASE PRAY MY STRENGTH) and applying to PhD programs here, there and everywhere.  This explains the lull in blog postings as of late. I beg your pardon but I promise if you just continue to be patient with the kid , we’ll be back on schedule within the next month or so.  I’ll keep you all posted of my progress.  I’m excited. I know great thing a come! Take this ride with me, there really is no telling where we’ll end up.  J

To wrap it up, the moral of the story is sometimes the plans you make can be changed by things that are beyond your control.  If/when this happens it’s important to remember that  you can’t fall apart.  You just regroup and get busy finding the next best route to your dreams, ya dig?.  I’ve always asked God to guide my feet and He always has.  I have to learn to trust HIM even when he changes my plans.  The fact of the matter is His plans are always better than mine anyway. I’ve been seeking his guidance through this whole process and quite frankly I’m excited.    Can’t stop won’t stop. Keep it here for future developments. I’ll always keep you posted.  Thanks for you patience and all of your support. 

Not quite sure what I’m feeling today. I often joke around that graduate school is a hazing process. Now I’m seeing that it’s not really a joke.  I’m pledging, but not for the customary temporary period. No, this is terminal hazing. It is relentless, it is merciless, it is unforgiving.  I feel cheated.  Until the start of this year I felt like I was on track. On some sort of course that was going to groom me. Prepare me for the next steps. This was supposed to prepare me for my dreams.  After the spring 2011 semester I feel like somebody snatched my wig, exposed all my insecurities and left me to question my place in the circle of life that moves us all.  God, that was super dramatic. Somebody come and get Sade out my head... Ya'll know I don't do her.  

Am I losing my natural black mind? I'm not one to play the race card but I feel like sometimes it's the only one in my hand.  It's just how I feel.   I’m reading Claude Steele’s Whistling Vivaldi. I’m about halfway through. It’s all about social identity contingencies.  The thoughts, feelings, beliefs, etc. that one experiences at the hands of his/her social identity.  These things can come as a result to various social conditions, norms, etc. and tangibly impact our lives. Or they can effect us on abstract subconscious levels.  For example, in the 50’s and 60’s Steele was prohibited from swimming at the public pool in his community on all days but Wednesday. Wednesday was the day the pool was open for Black patronage. That’s an example of tangible social contingencies.  A stereotype threat is an example of an abstract social contingency.  For example, if I grow up in a society/environment that says that most black women struggle in math or science, when I take a math test, the pressure of the possibility of me fulfilling that stereotype will likely impact my performance on the test.

According to Steele, I've not gone crazy.  EUREKA! My ethnicity can sometimes  lead me to believe that in all my life, my work, my personality, my productivity are all viewed through the lens of my identity as a minority woman.  When it comes to how people treat me or how they interact with me, I  could possibly question, almost instinctively, whether their behavior/our relationship are such, because of who I am as a person or a result of my identity as a Black woman. 

My advisor is a real giant in the field. She’s known across the world for her work and for her research. Her contributions are significant and I've learned so much from her.   I was honored that she took a liking to me and selected to serve as my advisor back in 2008.  She challenged me.  She wanted me to grow.  At least that’s what I thought.   Initially, her criticisms were given with a vote of confidence.  I felt like she felt like I could do it.  Or maybe that’s what I wanted to believe.  This semester however, things changed.  I could be taking her behavior completely out of context, so I don’t mean this in a judgmental or accusatory sense, I just felt like  I was busting my hump, tap dancing for this lady every week and it was never enough.   The connection that we once had, seemed to have fizzled to almost a level of obligation. She was always busy.  The time she once took , the concern and interest that was once shown were no longer.  I mean I get that she was busy and overwhelmed.  I just didn't feel like I could talk to her like I wanted to. 

And let’s not even deal with the papers. I worked so hard and got the worst grades I have ever gotten. The worst!! But what stung even more than the grades themselves,  were the comments.  She ripped me to pieces. Reduced my hours and hours of work to words/phrases like “weak” “poor writing” “this needs a lot of work” “unorganized”  “needs further explanation, “etc. And out of nowhere.  I’ve been writing papers this way for the last 10 years, now all of a sudden I’m the worst writer in classroom. How could this be?  I felt like I’d been blind sided by a new system.  I was being held to standards that I wasn’t informed of.  To make matters worst, I couldn’t tell whether or not I was alone is this academic flogging.  Were my classmates being held to these same standards? Where they meeting them, while I was struggling? Was my professor trying to show me that perhaps I wasn’t cut out for this?

It sucked all of the joy out of learning for me. The content of the course inspired me and showed me a place for the work I wanted to do in the field. But the feedback I received made me feel inadequate, impotent, paranoid and like I should just cut my losses and go beat face for a living at the Mac counter. (It really seems like such a glamorous life.)  And on the heels of this stress riddled, super trying,  overwhelming semester of defeat I found out that I essentially have to find a new school/ new program and start all over again.  

I’m worn and I dire need of a break. I need to get my head together, dust myself off and try again. So this summer I’m starting anew. I’ve got a new apartment, a new attitude and some time to get my head around my goals.  I’m prayed up.  I’m believing that the best is yet to come.  Things at work are great and there are a few other great opportunities afoot. So I'm sure that somehow things are working together for the good.  I just need a minute to come to grips with all the changes taking place around me.   I'll keep you posted of my progress. 

It’s April already and I just feel like we were just leaving Watch Night Service last week.  The semester has flown by and your girl is beat down tired!  Beat. Down. Tired. I feel like I need to take some time to regroup and get my mojo together and I’m thinking perhaps a drastic change is in order to jump start things.  Maybe a hair cut, some new clothes, a move, a change.  I need to shake things up and break up the monotony and get back to enjoying my life.  Somewhere along the line, I’ve evolved into this uptight, scaredy cat, stick in the mud and I’m over it.   I’m growing into my grown woman status and saying and doing what I feel. It’s scary to be doing me for change, but it feels good. I’m told this is what your 20’s are all about.  

I think I need to get out my vision board and my prayer journal and find my go gettum  again.  Challenges are coming but I won’t let them beat me.  I’ve been praying and praying for faith and now it’s time I start walking in it. One foot in front of the other. Let’s go.

Next week, I promise I’ll be a better blogger.  For now, let’s blame it on my bum ankle and sore arms.  Crutches require upper body strength that I’m apparently seriously lacking…let’s add that to the list of things I need work on.  

In case you find yourself in the same situation, I’ve decided to share some of the things that I’m doing in order to prepare for my all night academic marathon.   Also, please feel free to leave your tips or suggestions in effectively handling voluntary sleep deprivation below.  I hope I’m not the only student that dabbles in irresponsibility from time to time. 

1. Make a To Do List- This may seem like common sense but it’s still a step worth mentioning.  You want to set out on your 24 hours, totally aware of all that you have to accomplish. Be specific, if you need finish a paper, start a presentation, wash your hair, call your cousin, pay your credit card bill, etc then you need to write every thing down. Be sure to highlight those things that are time sensitive and organize your time around those tasks.  Making a list and crossing tasks off as you complete then really helps pass the time and give you a great sense of accomplishment, which is so necessary as you deprive your body of the sleep that it requires.

2.  Compartmentalize- Break down large tasks into small digestible pieces.  For example, I have an 8-10 page paper I need to complete.  I’m not going to write “do my paper” on my to do list.  Rather, my list will look more like this.

-       Outline Paper

-       Organize Sources

-       Start Introduction

-       Complete pages 3-4/ 4-6

-       Draft conclusion

-       Work Cited

-       Print Draft and Proofread

-       Make Track Changes

Breaking the paper into sections, allows me to then set smaller more realistic deadlines throughout the night.   I can also, break up the monotony of working on one project by saying I’m going to wash my hair after I complete five pages. Or call my cousin while I pull together my works cited.  Looking at one thing for too long can frazzles your nerves and that usually decreases the quality of your work.   

3.  Schedule Breaks- There should be at least three to four points throughout the night where you close your books and step away for a break.  You’re not meant to work like this. You must give you mind and your body some rest.  You can nap if you want to but I like to stay somewhat active as to not oversleep and flush my schedule down the toilet.  Besides, 30 minutes is not going to do anything but piss me off.  But that’s just  me. If you can power nap and feel refreshed, then do that, but don’t get carried away.  Personally, I break to watch a television show, spend some time on twitter, make a phone call, grab a bite to eat or hell,  all of the above.  It’s absolutely imperative to stick to your schedule though.  Even if you need a friend to help hold you accountable.  If you say you’re only going to take a 30-minute break, your break must be 30 minutes. No excuses.

4.  Find What Keeps You Going- I don’t believe in no-dose , 5 hour energy or all that other foolishness.  When it’s finally time for me to sleep I want to be able to close my eyes.  Music keeps me going.  I have to be careful though , I can’t focus if the bass line is  such that I can’t keep my back straight and I can’t focus if it’s too loud.  Everyone is different , some like silence others need noise, so it’s your job to figure out what balance is just right for you.   Be honest with yourself and be safe. If not you’ll only hurt your progress.   If you choose to use caffeine or other things to keep you up, do so responsibly. 

That’s all I got for right now. If I think of anything else I’ll come back! Hopefully this is helpful. 

On a much more serious note, I learned an important over the break that I thought would be helpful to share.  In December I was finalizing applications and working on things to take the next steps in my program and I needed to submit academic letters of recommendation to my department.  I asked a certain professor that I thought I’d built a rapport with and he agreed to submit one for me.

The letters were due by January 2^nd; I sent reminders and follow up emails but , as the deadline came and went my letter was never submitted. Needless to say I was angry, hurt and confused. Especially since this man looked me in my face and assured me that the letter would be submitted on time.  I know things happen and it is right around the holidays so I  send one more email and gave it a few days.  January 5^th, still no letter.  I mean COME ON! If you couldn’t write it .. why not just say “I’m swamped and I don’t think I’ll have the time” or  “I don’t think I’ll be able to get to it.” I could really fight dude but.. that’s not the point I’m trying to make.

Thankfully, I’d taken the necessary precautions and requested an extra letter of recommendation from another professor. I know that this the time when many high schoolers are finalizing college apps.  And I’m sharing my  story of how my Professor played me to let you guys know that it really pays to cover your tail.  Sometimes even when you prepare ahead of time and follow all the rule , things can change to throw you off your game.  Make sure it doesn't happen to you.  Having an extra recommender in your back pocket is really the safest way to go.  Had I waited on dude, my application would be incomplete and my dreams shot right out the sky.  A little extra leg work in  getting your application materials together can really get you out of a pinch long run.

Let me wrap this up here cuz I’m getting mad all over again.  I really am feeling some kinda way that  dude played me and didn’t even have the decency to respond to my countless emails with a explanation/excuse/apology. Who’s that busy? How long does it take? But I digress.  

I hope this help and Ya’ll be Good!

Keia

While my uterus has made every effort to thwart my Christmas cheer I'm making a concerted effort to keep it pushing.  It's Christmas Eve and I'm excited.  Let's just say that yesterday's Debbie Downer segment was sponsored by the oppression of PMS and move onward and upward to new levels of optimism and jubilee.

 All of my family has arrived in town; the house smells like dressing and sounds like the cacophony of after morning church service, you know laughter, cackling, clapping,  song, and storytelling all going on at the same time. Despite my feminine woes, I'm in a good mood. I love being around my family and wanted to share that with you all my readers and those who support the GlamNERDian movement as we attempt to take over the globe.  In this time of celebration I'm so grateful to for God Blessing me with each of you.  This blog has been something I've been wanting to do for quite some time and 2010 marked the start of something great.  I know I'm a blogger in process and I have a lot of growing to do but thanks to all of you who've started the journey with me.  You mean so much to me. Thanks for putting up with my drama and sporadic posting when other priorities were pressing.  Thanks for your emails and questions and comments and tweets and retweets. I read everyone and forgive me if I haven't responded it was clearly an oversight from my head and not my heart.  In the new year, I can promise you all a re-design, and bigger and better posts. I'm committed to seeing this thing through.  Who'Ridin?!

I plan to post my annual Merry Christmas vid on YouTube but I'm posting here as well.  I wish each of you a restful and enjoyable holiday season and a fantastically prosperous new year!